Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Great Banana Caper

Did you ever have one of those times when you go a little out of your way to try to be helpful and it comes back on you? well I had one of those not too long ago. It's still referred to around my department as "The Great Banana Caper".

It all began one day when I decided to camp out in a local highway construction zone and slow traffic down a bit. As i did so, I got to talking with a couple of the construction workers and they told me that for the past couple of weeks, a woman had been driving through every morning between 7:30 and 8:00AM and throwing a banana at them. Not a banana peel, but a whole banana. And she did this every weekday.

I admit, my first thought was that this was kinda funny, and they'd thought so too, until a couple of guys had actually been hit by the flying bananas. Apparently a banana launched from a car at 40-45mph hurts when it hits you. I had to take their word for that, but being a nice guy, I promised to come back for the next few mornings and see if I couldn't catch the Unknown Fruiter.

That was my first mistake. The second was when I put a slip in identifying my special enforcement project so that I would not get a bunch of low-priority calls during that timeframe. You can bet that that one raised my sergeant's eyebrows at the next roll call.

"You want to be blocked out to catch WHAT?!"

And word spread around the station that I was on the hunt for a dangerous criminal. Support was offered by small containers of milk and recipes for banana bread left--anonymously of course--in my mailbox.

What made it worse, however, was that I couldn't actually catch this woman. For almost two weeks I failed to make the connection with her. Either she wouldn't show up, or else she'd come by and pelt the workers when I wasn't there waiting. It actually got to be pretty embarrassing, especially when my co-workers inquired daily as to when they might expect to read about the arrest of this criminal mastermind in the morning papers.

Finally I caught a break. I showed up one morning for my stake-out, which had now been dubbed "Operation Dole" by my professional peers, and the work foreman told me that she'd just come by not two minutes before. I sighed. But this time was different. This time someone had actually gotten her LICENSE NUMBER--something that hadn't happened this far into the game. I ran the tag and got the name of the owner, along with a local address within our jurisdiction.
As I figured she was probably on her way to work in the morning, I decided to go pay her a visit in the later afternoon, just prior to end of shift, and talk to her about her little game.

And later that day, I drove up to a nice townhouse and saw the vehicle in question parked under the carport. Finally I could put this one to bed.

I rang the bell and a rather attractive woman about 40 years old answered the door. I asked for my suspect, and she admitted that she was the one I was looking for. And when I told her why I was there, she laughed and freely admitted that yes, she'd been throwing bananas at the workers almost every day for the past month or so. She actually stopped at the local stop n' rob to buy one every morning along with her coffee and paper. It was a joke that she thought was quite funny, and when I asked her why she threw bananas, she said it was because construction workers reminded her of apes. Nice gal, eh? And she was a money market manager at a big firm downtown.

Well I advised her against doing it any further and I left, figuring that this was finally over. I went back and wrote up my reports, including her statements, and submitted the packet, expecting to hear no more about it. I let the road workers know that I'd talked to her and that it shouldn't happen again. I did get a round of applause at roll call the next day, but what I didn't expect was the call from the prosecutor's office a couple of days later, telling me to come in and pick up the arrest warrant. Apparently one of the workers had called over there saying that he wanted to press charges, so now I had to go pick her up for multiple charges of FELONY ASSAULT since she'd thrown objects--bananas--from a moving vehicle, which under our criminal code, was a felony regardless of what the object was. So that afternoon, I once again drove to the townhouse and rang the bell. The banana lady came back to the door, laughing and claiming that she hadn't thrown any more bananas, so if there was fresh fruit out there, it had to have come from someone else. I asked her to step outside on the stoop for a moment, and when she did, I informed her that she was under arrest and suggested that she get her ID and her credit cards and lock her door. It took her a few seconds to figure out that I was serious, and when she did, she tried to jump back inside, but I grabbed her and pulled her back out and got the cuffs on while she screamed and hollered and basically caused a scene in front of her neighbors and anyone else who might be around to watch. Now she wasn't friendly any more, and she bitched about how embarrassing this was, and how ridiculous, and told me several times that she was going to sue me for emotional distress because all her neighbors would think that she was a criminal now. And she said that she should have thrown the bananas at cops, because we were all apes, too. Again with the "ape" thing in reference to men who do real work. Now I'm thinking that someone's probably got some interesting fantasies.

But I brought her back in, arriving at shift change, and both shifts got a good look at the Rotten Banana, as she was now known. Sigh... Everyone else in the processing center has drug dealers and thieves, and I have a banana-tossing money manager. Freaking great. And she ran her mouth the whole time, just making it all that much more special.

Long story short, it was pled down to a misdemeanor Disorderly Person charge and she actually got twenty days community service, roughly a day for every banana that she'd thrown. So for ten week-ends, she got to don a day-go vest and go out and clean up trash with the rest of the local petty criminals. I have to wonder how many banana peels she picked up while she was out there.

As for me, I learned to just stay on the highway and mind my own business.


makeumdothechicken said...

I think it's a great arrest. Drug dealers are a dime a dozen. Everybody gets those.

This is a great arrest because it took one snooty bitch who thought herself so above the working class that she felt entitled to throw things at them and educated her. Granted she is probably still a snooty bitch but I guarantee you that 20 days wearing her reflective vest and picking up trash was good for her soul. I wonder if she considered herself an ape as she was picking up the trash?

Not many officers would have followed through on this the way that you did and I say good for you. I wish I worked with more like you.

daffybananas said...

You made coffee shoot out of my nose! I take calls and dispatch for the highway patrol, and I can totally see getting a call about a Drive-by Fruiting.

Roy said...

I'm with "makeumdothechicken". It was a good arrest and I congratulate you on sticking with it even in the face of all the ribbing you took from your colleagues.

She was indeed a snooty bitch. And even though she has the right to be a snooty bitch, she does not have the right to assault those whom she feels superior to.

If I was one of the assaulted construction workers, unless she came and apologized to me personally, I too would have insisted on pressing charges.

Psychlone Ranger said...

Shades of MRs. Doubtfire! "It was a drive-by fruiting!"

Congrats, bubba. You just made my blogroll! thanks!

David Woycechowsky said...

I wonder how it would have worked out if she had just kept her moth shut.

anyway, good job.

Officer Krupke said...

Criminals seldom keep their mouths shut. They often think that they're clever enough to get through an interview, usually to their detriment.

And the "ape" comments and other nasty slurs were all either written down by me or videotaped back at the station. They were alluded to at sentencing and they hurt her, but had she insisted on going to trial, she'd have been hammered.

The Bus Driver said...

ok now i've read everything. I toss banana peels out the window, but never AT anyone.. and i usually try to find a side of the road that has woods so that the peel can decompose easy. HAHAHA.. she really was a rotten banana!!

makeumdothechicken said...

Criminals seldom keep their mouths shut. They often think that they're clever enough to get through an interview, usually to their detriment.

This is almost universally true. If criminals could keep their mouths shut very few arrests would be made. They always tell somebody, whether it's the police, a girlfriend or a co-worker. It doesn't seem to matter what kind of crime it is either, they just can't keep their mouth shut. Sooner or later somebody spills the beans.

TJ said...

Good for you for following through.

I too wonder if she felt like an ape while picking up trash on the side of the road. Snooty bitch is right. She wouldn't have a road to drive on if those workers weren't out there doing their jobs.

Also, I just love your co-workers for the teasing. Cartons of milk and recipes for banana bread? Brilliant.


I just hope that you remembered her "Carmen MIRANDA" rights, or was she a little "chiquita"?
Good for you, job well done. And like they say on that new cop show on TV Southland,
" We have the front seat to the greatest show on Earth!!" !!!
Work safe Brother!!

David Woycechowsky said...

Criminals seldom keep their mouths shut. They often think that they're clever enough to get through an interview, usually to their detriment.When they keep their mouths shut then we never hear about them and don't think of them as criminals.

This case is a good example. If the woman had refused to talk, then I don't think we would be thinking of her as a criminal. She would probably just be a suspect that you never blogged about and I never heard of.

Bo... said...

She sure is an unapeeling woman.

(Get it? Unapeeling? p.e.e.l.-ing?)

(That's okay, nobody laughs at my jokes....)

powdergirl said...

Hi, I don't think I've commented here before.
But ,on behalf of all of us construction working road builders, thanks for staying on it.
Apes indeed! What a stupid woman.

Anna said...

Hats off to you. This woman sounded like she has a total disregard for public health and safety, and someone needs to be able to stand up to that. You had the power to do it, and you did it. Thank you. Someone like that with a total lack of compassion and disregard for fellow humans is likely to commit even bigger crimes. One can only hope the consequence from her banana throwing taught her some decency.

LynUn said...

So, I know this is an old post and all, but I just thought I'd let you now that what she did was really dangerous.
One kid I went to school with got in the way of a tossed carrot, had it lodged behind his eye and had to be taken by helicopter to the city hospital. This was no baby carrot either.
As such, I think it's great you followed through.

Anonymous said...

that was truly bizarre, throwing bananas at people...

Anonymous said...

just by chance ran into more banana-related posts...