Sunday, October 25, 2009

How urban legends get started

There was this kid I arrested a few months ago. He was a 17 year old who was dealing dope and I was helping one of our detectives pick him up because a confidential informant said that he was carrying a large quantity of drugs and a pistol.

We saw him walking down the street so we passed him in our unmarked car and cut him off. He turned to bolt and I banged a quick J-turn, chased him back down the street and cut him off again, pulling right up onto the sidewalk and nearly flattening him. This time he gave up and we put the Habeus Grabus on him. Then we searched him and although he didn't have the gun he was supposed to have, he at least had distribution quantity of both weed and crack in his pockets.

Of course he wanted to know how we knew he had the stuff and since we didn't want to reveal that we'd been tipped by an informant, I told him: "Dude, didn't you hear? The city's got these new weed detectors up on the light poles now. You walked right past one." Him not being very bright, he asked how they worked. I said "You know how dogs can smell weed a long ways away? Well now they have machines that can do that too, and the city bought a bunch and put them all over the place. They detect weed and take your picture and send it right to us."

And a minute later when his auntie and a batch of his cousins came running up to see why we were locking him up this time, the kid yells out to the whole block: "They said I walked by one of the new weed-finding machines! It's up on a light pole somewhere. Watch out for them poles!"

With any luck, there will now be a whole bunch of dope boys looking up at the utility poles for a bit, at least until this knucklehead realizes that one of his own pals dropped a dime on him and squelches the rumor.

12 comments:

Texas Ghostrider said...

You gotta love them urban legends, we have started a few of our own.

The Bus Driver said...

*looks up the light pole.. i think i see it!!!

Moose said...

Totally. Frakkin. BRILLIANT!!

The Grumpy Dispatcher said...

This one will likely end up alongside the colander and photocopier story.

Nice work, sir. ;)

I doubt I'd be witty enough to come up with something like that fast enough....

babyycakesssss said...

hilarious. didn't know i was capable of laughing this early in the morning :]

KK said...

That is the funniest thing I've read in a while. How you could say that without laughting shows that you're a better man than I am!

Jacob said...

Too bad these have been removed in most areas, or you could have pointed one out:

Poletop radio

David Woycechowsky said...

If it is anything like the dogs wouldn't the detector just say that everybody has weed?

Holly said...

*snort*

that is classic. good onya.

dude would be somewhere BELOW the top of the food chain if natural selection were the order of the day!

Wyatt Earp said...

Habeus Grabus. I am so stealing that!

Officer Krupke said...

Dogs don't do that, David. They can tell the difference and only alert on people that actually have stuff. If a dog registers too many false hits, it is deemed unreliable and useless and gets retired. Then it usually winds up getting a law degree. The goofiest ones generally go for patent law...or so I've heard.

Mad Jack said...

Weed detector? Habeas Grabus? I'm going to produce a new SitCom and hire you as writer, technical adviser and casting director. I about fell off my chair with the weed detector thing.

I think it's actually something like occupo scelestus, but I wouldn't change it.